Thursday, June 15, 2017

The Thought of Having a Kid Scares the Shit Out of Me


For years, I have stated to my friends and family that I don't want to ever have a kid. My reasoning has always been something like, "because I don't like kids" or, "because this world is fucked up. The first response is completely untrue, the second, partially so. I actually love kids. Kids inspire me with their wit and vision, honestly, they're pretty dope. This world is fucked up, but it is also full of fantabulousness and kids know this.


However, the thought of having a kid does in fact scare the shit out of me.

I've thought about what it might be like to be a mother since I was little. I always imagined just me and my kid (in an apartment full of music and books), never a partner. When I tell folks this, they always seem so surprised, but it's true. I watched both of my parents struggle to maintain relationships with folks and so I grew up and didn't really care much for finding a partner of my own. I still struggle with this and I think I am slowly coming to terms with it.

I was raised by my mother up until the age of eleven, I would visit/see my dad on rare occasions. At the age of eleven, I moved to Florida to live with my dad and his partner (and her children) for four years and then moved back to NYC to live with my grandmother. Living with my dad and his partner was full of ups and downs. I often felt like the whole nuclear family thing was a hoax. I know it's probably not always like this, but the whole thing felt forced and unnecessary. I've never seen a healthy functioning nuclear family situation and to be completely honest, I don't care much for the illusion of its functionality. I don't believe that a child needs a mother and a father in order to become some kind of full human being. I believe that all a child really needs is people that love them and encourage them to be the best human being that they can be.

I think one of my biggest fears, in regards to having a kid, is that they'll absorb all of the shit that I struggle with (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, etc) because I don't believe that these things will ever leave me. My second biggest fear is that my kid and I won't have a good relationship. My parents and I are not very close and sadly, they aren't/weren't very close with their parents either.

As a kid, I was always worried about my parents, especially my mom. I have this really awful habit of biting my nails; I developed it when I was a toddler. Biting my nails is one of the many ways I tend to deal with stress and worry. It sucks. I love my parents, but often times, I find myself wishing that they were there for me in ways that I know (and now understand) that they couldn't be. 

In fact, sometimes I wish that my parents were there for themselves before they had me. However, I know that life doesn't always work out the way we think it should and that's okay. We do what we can.

My point is, I do want to someday have a kid, but for right now, I need to work to make my world (not the world) a place where they will be able to befriend love and not fear it the way that I do.

I applaud folks who are out there making the nuclear family thing work. I have many friends who seem to be doing the damn thang and I am happy for them. I get that just because I don't believe in something, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist in the minds of other people.

But, yeah, I just wanted to write this and share because a friend of mine got me thinking about it. They happen to think that I am going to someday fall in love and have the whole family, house, car, thing going on. I beg to differ, but ya never know.  

-xoxo-

4 comments:

  1. Yea I agree with a lot of this. I always saw myself with children tho. I never even thought that I wouldn't have any. I do wish though that I was more thoughtful about making children but que sera sera.

    Now on to this, what do you mean by
    " I've never seen a healthy functioning nuclear family situation "
    ?

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    1. That's valid.
      From what I can tell, you've done pretty well :)

      By that I mean, (for example).... Let's say, a family looks dope on the outside... but when you start to look closely, you begin to realize that the reason for this has to do with the fact that folks (in said family) are not expressing their true feelings to each other. I also notice that a lot of times, one partner often has to sacrifice more than the other; this eventually leads to resentment... Resentment, plus the whole lack of honest communication, often leads to horrible instances of separation or two people suffering through trying to stay together.
      I'm bias though because I honestly don't believe that staying with one person and "settling down" is healthy. Don't get me wrong, I definitely see the appeal, but nah. Also, I understand that no sort of relationship is going to be peachy all the time... and sometimes you just won't know how to connect/communicate with someone in a way that is best for both you and that person and that's okay... but when you are married and/or have children with said person... and let's say, separation is the best and healthiest option... you are more likely to just "stick it out" which in turn can make things worse.
      I know that this response is all over the place, but I hope you are able to make some sense of the point that I am trying to make :)

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    2. Of course.
      I would bet that every single nuclear family has some issues bubbling under the surface, none are just perfect (that would be boring AF!) a nice argument every now and again keeps things interesting. The image of success is when there are issues under the surface but the people in the relationship are constantly working on it.

      I also see the appeal of not settling down, but I think I'd rather have a mate.

      From my perspective (being a man) that's easy to say. As I have learned, Black women won't leave you if you treat them fine, support them and offer them some stability. I don't know if that's the case vice versa. I suspect BM will leave their women a lot quicker. :/

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    3. Facts!

      And yeah, I get that. I'm sure having a mate can be pretty lit.

      Black women seem to always have the cards stacked against them (a lot of it is hidden under the surface... not as visible as the cards stacked against black men). But yeah... I'm so glad that there are so many movements (led by black women) taking place right now because not only are we learning to value ourselves and realizing that we deserve to valued by others, but we are doing it together (which is extremely important). We lit!

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