A Dialogue: Kevin & Tiff

"See? Why do you always do that?!"

Do what?

"That! You mumble some shit and then when I ask what you said, you say 'nothing' or 'nevermind'. Like what the fuck? Im tryna talk to you-- I'm tryna understand what's going on."

I don't know.

"You do know. Don't give me that; don't tell me you don't know. What is it? Are you afraid to talk to me? I don't get it. I'm here. I'm trying and you're not giving me anything."

I'm tired.

Now you're tired? Well I'm tired too. It's like the more I reach out, the more you pull away. What am I doing wrong?

Nothing. You're perfect.

"Oh please. Just stop. Don't give me that, Tiff."

You are! You are, okay!? I'm not like you! I can't just say what's on my mind all the time. Half the time I don't even know what it is I'm feeling, okay? It's like I feel too much at once and I can't decipher which feeling is which or which to express first. It's exhausting, and then this happens! I love you. That's what I know, but I don't know-- I can't be like you. I can't. I can't give you--

"Give me what? I'm not asking for anything, babe. I'm not asking for anything.

But you are! You're asking for me; the parts of me I don't know how to give. I just--

" I just want you to talk to me. You come home and you're sad and I don't know why. I don't know if something happened out in the world, at work, or if it's me . Like do you not like coming home to me anymore? Is it the dishes? Cause I know I leave em in the sink sometimes. Is it my shoes? I can work on that-- I know you hate when I forget to take em off at the door. Gosh! I want you to want this as much as I do. I'm trying here. If it's not enough-- if I'm not enough--"

Oh, babe, you're more than enough. I don't care about the dishes or your shoes. That's ridiculous. I love coming home to you. I just-- I don't know-- something's off with me. Something's off. I don't know how to explain it. Like, sometimes I have these really weird thoughts--

"Weird thoughts...? What kind of weird thoughts?"

Bad ones. I don't know why and I never know when they'll come. They just do. Like, the other day, I was coming home from work-- I was waiting for the D train-- It was me. It was my voice.

"Oh, babe, come here. Don't cry. Come come come. Breath."

It told me-- it told me to jump and I saw-- I saw myself-- I saw myself do it, Kevin. I saw myself jump out in front of the train. It felt so real-- I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop. How was I supposed to tell you that? I just-- I didn't want you to worry. They're just thoughts. Just thoughts, but it's been happening a lot lately and I don't know why. I love you, I do. I love you so much and I don't know, I just couldn't tell you.

"I love you too, babe. You know that. I just-- you don't ever have to feel a way about telling me things. I don't care how bad it is. I'm here. I love you and this-- this is important shit, Tiff. Suicidal thoughts-- they're not just thoughts. Look at me-- we are going to get through this. We are gonna get help with this, okay? It's gonna be okay. I love you. Just don't-- please don't leave me out on this one. Please.

I'm sorry--

"You have nothing to be sorry about. Nothing. Please don't apologize.

Sorry--

"Tiff--"

Habit.

"I know. I know. Come here. We're gonna get through this. I'll do some research in the morning. We'll find someone. There are tons of good therapists in NYC. I'll go with you if you want, or not, it's totally up to you."

I'd love that.

"Okay. Good. Thank you for telling me about this. I was so worried. I knew something was up, I just didn't know what. Thank you.

Thank you for-- being you.

"Always. I love you, Tiff. I do. I need you to know that."

I know.

"Good. Let's try and get some sleep."

Okay.